Vote Anyway

     Went to the courthouse for early voting recently. It was the primary. So I wasn't really voting as much as just helping one of the parties pick a team to play against the other team (party). The libertarians and independents have yet to field enough players for there to be a tournament, so it is just head-to-head competition, for now.

     I tried to prepare by reading some candidate questionnaires the paper published. I also tried to read some of the mass mailing literature that is smothering all the real letters in my mailbox and forcing me to recycle three times a week. It was hard to read the mailings though, the pictures were so distracting.  I thought the picture of Faircloth looked like Saul from "Breaking Bad."  That might actually work for him, since Saul is getting his own show.  But, I think a lot of votes are cast on how people look. It is hard to get past some images. Your mind seems to stack them in the doorway so that rational thoughts trip over them on their way out. Then before they get back up, your amazingly efficient brain has already made a decision.

     Anyway, I did try to prepare. I even took some notes into the voting booth. Well, it's not really a booth. More like a tall TV tray with a shower curtain around it so the guy next to you can't cheat. Which he might try to do, if you take notes into the booth.

     A funny observation I made as I walked into the courthouse where the voting was being held was that there was a line outside the room and going down the hall of people paying their county taxes. But, there was no waiting to vote. In fact, there were more people working the polling station than there were voters. Seems like some of those people paying taxes would walk straight up to the voting room to express their satisfaction with the size check they just wrote downstairs.

     Okay, so here's the real stuff I wanted to write about.  I did some research and took my notes into the booth and was still overwhelmed by all the choices for all the positions. I was having trouble even finding the races I had made decisions on. Then, I thought, I bet nobody comes in here knowing who to vote for in every race. In fact, unless it's a relative or a person recently convicted of a highly publicized crime, I doubt anyone knows who most of these people are that are running in these races (another sport reference). So, I just threw out my notes (actually I gave them to the guy trying to peek around my shower curtain) and began to vote the way everybody really votes.

     First decision point, did I associate any names on the ballot with any really bad hairdo pictures I received in the mail? Those were automatically excluded. And, I didn't vote for anyone who had a nickname in quotation marks on the ballot. Next, did any of them have familiar names to me? That could go both ways. I sometimes vote for people with famous names, as long as I have a positive association with the name. For example, a guy named John Paul Listowski got my vote ‘cause I think that was a cool pope.  Also, any combination of the names John, Paul, Ringo, or George probably would work right now.  In choosing between Phillip Morris and Jack Roady, well, I don't smoke; but I do drink. So, that one was easy. Couldn't vote for someone named Hatmaker, because that name sounded like Dr. Seuss made it up and unless she was running against Mr. Brown who went downtown, I didn't think she would win anyway.  I also, didn't vote for anyone named Bret. I once knew a real jerk named Bret. It could be a name DNA thing, and I didn't want to take a chance.

     Final rule, I did not vote when there was just one candidate. It's a monopoly distrust issue. I once boycotted the newspaper when they bought out their only competitor.

     So, notes be damned, I completed 75% of my ballot using the techniques above. In most of the remaining races, I chose candidates using the time-tested tool of eenie meenie minie mo. I did resort to spinning the voting wheel on one and just closed my eyes on another.

     Then, I thanked the dozen polling volunteers and left feeling very satisfied. I did my duty as an American. I voted. I drug myself out of bed. I searched for the nearest polling location. I actually braved the brutal 50 degree weather and went in to cast my ballot: a ballot that expressed my desires for the leaders of our county and state.  A private ballot (thanks to the shower curtain), that contained my vote for all the people that I cannot remember the name of, for all the offices that I didn't even know existed. And there is beauty in that.

     I voted, but because I don't remember who for, I can gripe when the guy that wins turns out to be an idiot or can take credit for the genius that advances significant legislation to improve our lives. And, no one will ever know otherwise. What a great country.  So if you have no idea who to vote for, feel free to use my technique or maybe develop your own system.  But, most of all, VOTE ANYWAY.

I. M. Voter